How I Stopped Speaking to Persuade White People

Our stories may not always inspire empathy, but they can still empower.

One of the deepest needs people have is to be believed. We have stories to tell, and we want to be heard. I think this is especially true when we’ve been harmed.

But oftentimes, in our world, empathy just isn’t on the menu, especially when we’re talking across lines of privilege.

My upcoming book, All the White Friends I Couldn’t Keep, begins with the lyrics to my song Delusional:

It must be good to be you,

You only believe what you want.

That song comes from a time in my life where I’d bent over backwards, trying to get the white people in my life to believe my stories about being profiled by the police, discriminated against by neighbors and landlords, and other anti-Black experiences.

I wanted empathy from them but I learned, in very personal and painful ways, that the common sense of supremacy culture is often so deeply entrenched in the minds of the privileged that they can’t empathize with the marginalized.