Why Therapy Isn’t Enough, I Need A Revolution
My depression and CPTSD are symptoms of a sick society.
Content warning: suicidal ideation.
“Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die,” my date asked me.
The answer flashed through my mind immediately–flashbacks to the stark white walls, cold air, and unseasoned food of the emergency rooms I’d visited over several battles with suicidal ideation. “I have a secret hunch that one day I will die by my own hand,” I thought as I looked across the table at the candle flame flickering in her glowing brown eyes. But I knew I couldn’t tell her that. It would ruin the mood. I don’t remember how I answered the question, only that I didn’t tell the truth.
For the past year or so, I’ve learned to mask the truth about my feelings, lest I end up in a hospital gown again. It’s a recently acquired skill for me, because for much of my life, I’ve been largely transparent about my feelings–despite the many voices in my life who’ve tried to tell me that it’s inappropriate for a man to feel so much, so often, so deeply, and to be open about those feelings.
I capitulated to masking my feelings in one of my emergency room stays.
During that episode, I knew I had to lie to the nurse practitioner the next time he inquired about how I was feeling. I’d been…
